Wednesday 26 August 2009

Three's a crowd

'If only....' what a hideous couple of words. It conjures up regret and missed opportunities.

I and my family will forever remember 2009, if 1992 was in Queen Elizabeths words her 'annus horribilis' then 2009 has been for the Pearson family a horrible year I remember saying back in March how much I was looking forward to 2010, a few months on and I wish it were Jools Hollands hogmanay party tonight on the BBC. I've never watched it; kind of put off by the fact its pre filmed, but I think i'd watch it tonight to know this year is over.
The danger of that is that I would be sat with my glass of Port thinking 'If only I had made more of 2009'.

January this year my eldest brother Paul, died. He died and it was that sudden. Whilst he had been ill for many years with asthma, chronic asthma, he died the day after coming out of hospital. He, thankfully, knew he was going to die. He had left a note saying don't call the doctor, he had quite simply had enough. He didn't overdose, the morphine tablets could be accounted for, I think he just knew. In my heart I hope he was prepared, I trust he was prepared. The post mortem showed that he had picked up an infection in hospital and this had been the cause of death. I think Paul's 'If only's' were more out of his control, it would have been 'If only I hadn't been so sick'. He was a clever chap. He had an incredible brain, it was like a photographic memory he had. He passed exams like there was no tomorrow. Sadly as his health deteriorated so did his quality of life. Late last year his eyesight went so poor, that he couldn't watch tv or do anything on the computer.

Seven weeks later my grandfather at the age of 93 passed away. A very Godly man, thrived on evangelism, took every opportunity to spread the gospel, sang hymns to the nurses prayed fervently for the family, said to his wife as she left the hospital, 'Ask Father to take me home tonight.' 'Of course..' she told me after 'I couldn't do it' but grampa got his wish, it was time.
His funeral was a celebration of a full life. He didn't travel the world, he had no OBE, MBE. No medals of honour from the war. He hadn't scored the winning try against England at Cardiff Arms Park, every Welshmans dream. It was a full life in helping, serving, teaching & preaching. He used to walk 16 miles every Sunday evening when he was a young man to support a local chapel. I think grampa had, on the 'if only' Richter scale, very few.

Last week my stepdaughter Chloe at the young age of 20 fell asleep. Here was a young girl, who so very little hope, couldn't cope with adulthood, found the world a sad and desperate place. She had caused herself so much harm in the past, but now she was a different girl. People have told me in the last couple of days, how she had made plans for the immediate future, such as driving lessons, saving up to take her little sister to Disneyland.
This has been hard.
My daughter has been inconsolable and that in itself has been hard to watch. She got on with Chloe like a house on fire, her mum and I were forever trying to put out the flames.
Beth has so so many 'If only's'. If only she hadn't wound her up so much.
I think they were just fine, they were proper sisters, they played pranks as opposed to being nasty to each other. They sqabbled about who should be in the bathroom first, how bad each othes spots were.
The rest of us are left with 'If only...we'd done more.'

Whilst I will miss them all, I want to start erradicating the possibility of ever having to say 'If only'. Its not about being the good samaritan, its not about getting 'brownie' points. Its because James says in chapter 2, just like Nike....'Just do It!'

1 comment:

  1. mate, this made me cry, im touched by your words i hope you all have peace and find a way to just do it.

    Ian

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